In the meantime I have been mining the rich seam of past items from Horsley's Over the Wall magazine and am happy to share one of my personal favourites.
Hope you enjoy the show (as Melvyn would say).
Are you tired of having second-rate dreams? Do your dreams amount to no more than a slightly weird version of your normal working day? Do you pretend to have forgotten your dreams for fear you might be thought shallow and boring?
If this describes your dream life, then we have good news for you. For a modest outlay we can supply you with the dreams you never dared believe could be yours. Here is just a small sample of the products we have on offer:
Fly like an Eagle: Starting out in a treetop or at the top of a high building, you experience a fleeting moment of terror as you lose your balance only to discover that you can fly. We offer individual flight (eagle, heron, buzzard) as well as our highly-popular formation options (swift, starling etc).
King of the World: Rising from your bed on what at first appears to be an ordinary morning, you discover that you have won/inherited 10 million pounds. The rest of the dream is spent in excited anticipation of all the things that are suddenly possible. This is an unsophisticated yet highly effective product offered at a budget price. Customers are strongly recommended to follow it up with a second purchase such as Fly like an Eagle or Opium Eater, as otherwise the come-down on waking-up to the reality of your drab and uninteresting life can be quite severe.
Dirty weekend: An almost unlimited choice of partners and locations (campervan, beach-hut, country cottage, luxury hotel) will permit you to create a unique and utterly unforgettable experience. For our male customers we can offer Angelina Jolie, Cate Blanchett, Monica Bellucci and many, many more. For the ladies there's George Clooney (10% surcharge), Johnny Depp and Viggo Mortensen. Reductions available if opting for one's real-life partner.
The Real Thing (our premium product): Usually purchased as a romantic prelude to Dirty Weekend, this will allow you to enjoy the experience of falling in love in all its delightful and intoxicating intensity. For example, you are at Stroud Farmers market when you suddenly find yourself chatting to Miss Scarlett Johansson and it is immediately apparent that you are both irresistibly attracted to one another. Over coffee at a street-corner cafe, you discover there is so much more you want to share …
Opium Eater: Transported by flying carpet to the palaces of the Orient, you feast your eyes on jewelled elephants, elaborate architecture and veiled dancing girls to the accompaniment of melodious gongs. In common with many of our products the sense of wellbeing persists long after waking. For this reason we recommend Opium Eater as a follow-up dream to King of the World, The Real Thing etc.
Rock Star: To the strains of 'Anthem for the Common Man' you find yourself taking to the stage in front of a crowd of 500,000 adoring fans. Customers should not confuse this with inferior products from rival companies in which stage-fright or the sudden realisation that you are stark naked can transform the whole experience into a nightmare. Be assured, this is the real thing.
All major credit cards accepted. Full catalogue available on request. Please note that product descriptions are provided for illustrative purposes only. Accuracy of dreams cannot be guaranteed. Proof of age required for certain products. We regret we cannot offer refunds in the event that the transition from The Real Thing to Dirty Weekend is interrupted by the intrusion of drinking buddies, sudden compulsion to explore your childhood home, streets turning into an ever-expanding maze of tiny alleyways and so on.